Peter Kuhn's "How to Fix Boats" email

From CSCWiki

Having spent many happy hours fixing stuff at the club, and looking forward to encouraging others to engage in this fruitful pastime, I thought I'd pass along a few helpful hints (with apologies to my mentor, Heloise).

Get Expert Advice

On any sunny afternoon, you'll find plenty of experts available sitting on the bench at CSC. All you have to do is mention something boaty and you'll get at least three hours of advice. Listen carefully to this. You may wish to bring a tape recorder. Or at least a 2" thick notebook to write notes down. After they've finished speculating idly about things they've never done and arguing over things they will never understand, retain the notes to make sure you never do any of the silly crap they recommend.

Plan Your Work

Before you begin a project, consider this time-tested rule of thumb: the more complex the project, the more trips to the hardware store. So plan your work for the times when there's the least traffic. With careful planning, you breeze down empty freeways to a salty chandlery and spend lazy hours gazing at electronic gizmos and fancy foulies. Blow it and you'll crawl 580 with all the dirtballs going to the ball game.

Know the Proper Terminology

Nothing is as painful to me as watching someone struggle with a difficulty, dirty, frustrating, knuckle-scraping, finger-smashing job without knowing and applying the proper terminology. Too late they realize that what they thought was a part of a boat or sailboard is really an assault on their physical well-being and mental composure. Avoid this pitfall by beginning every job by roundly and vigorously cursing whatever you're going to work on, the tools you will work with, and the horse they rode in on.

Use the Proper Tools

Never tackle a job without a large supply of tools, including at a minimum two claw hammers (for walloping whatever gives you the most trouble) and a chainsaw (for cutting the results into pieces small enough to fit into the trash can).

Know your materials

The secret to success is understanding the triumvirate of materials that dominate sailing: fiberglass, metal, and wood.

• Fiberglass is actually a composite material, made of fiber encased in a matrix of glass, with added industrial waste and toxic residues thrown in to make you sorry if you ever cut it or grind it. Fiberglass can be repaired with epoxy, polyester, or hashish resins that come as a two part formula: the part that goes onto the boat, and the part that goes onto your clothes. Whatever part goes onto the boat will either drip off before it sets or need to be ground off afterwards.
• Metal used for nuts or bolts is usually stainless steel which is made in Taiwan from old forks, and will resist corrosion as long as it's at the factory. All stainless steel hardware made for sailboats uses the exploding bolt technology developed for the space program.
• Wood is an organic, natural, living substance. Used for trim and doors, its warm appearance keeps boats from looking like the sideways Porta-Potties that they really are. Used for boat hulls, it develops a ravenous appetite for caulk, bilge pumps, and paint.

Safety first

The key to safety is always keeping one hand on the boat, one eye out to weather, and one foot out the door in case the boat sinks, the storm blows in, and you drop a lit joint into the open can of acetone. Always wear an approved respirator, gloves, bunny suit, goggles, and ear muffs in case you need to walk away from a blaze without anyone recognizing you or, worse, being able to get your attention by screaming for help in your ear.

Measure twice, cut once

Measuring twice gives you not just twice the number of opportunities to make slysdexic mistakes in transposing numbers (was that 14'2-1/2" or 12'4-1/4"? Hell, let's go metric, it's either 342 or 243 mm), but rather thrice the number of opportunities for silly errors, because once you've got two measurements you really should average them to minimize the error. The best averaging can be easily accomplished using the following simple formula:

Meas (ave) = min {transp. AB, curl BA}, lim (n-->An} Bi (A,B)

Or by graphical solution, by writing the numbers on a workbench and drawing a straight line between them and the nearest paint splatter with a curved batten and a pencil with a broken lead.

But the best method of averaging two measurements--the one used by seasoned boat yard workers-- is to count off one measurement on your fingers, the other on your toes (another good reason to work in flip-flops!). Then match the number of fingers you've counted off against the number of toes, and cut off any leftover toes or fingers in the table saw. Just one cut!

Don't rush

The key to a successful project is to never, ever rush a job that must be accomplished in stages. A good rule of thumb is to allow at least a decade for every stage that involves painting, sanding, bolting, or making coffee. Since much of your work may be out of doors, allow extra time to accommodate sudden changes in weather, such as global warming or ice ages.

Dissimilar metals

Saltwater acts as an electrolyte between dissimilar metals, causing aluminum to corrode when placed in contact with stainless steel, and causing your cheap dental work to shoot sparks out your nose every time you eat pretzels and drink beer. To keep spars from corroding where all the shiny stainless steel fittings are attached, insulate between them with pieces of yogurt container. The pieces of yogurt container can be used again and again, since they won't keep the spars from corroding, and you'll end up doing this job again and again. Don't forget to buy pretzels and beer.

The professional touch

The difference between an amateur job and a professional product is the finish. An amateur job is obvious because of its rough surface, varnish drips, "orange peel" paint surface, while a professional product is perfectly smooth, gleamingly varnished, and impeccably painted to hide all the structural defects contained within.

Putting things away

A place for everything, and everything in its place is the bluewater sailor's maxim, and the best place for everything is always the floor. After you've finished beating your head into the workshop bench in frustration, take time to smash your project into bits and strew the pieces across the floor. Someone else will shortly be coming into the workshop to fix something, and what better way for them to start than by cleaning up your mess?